Some readers have recently inquired as to when they can get copies of material presented at JavaOne, and as usual, some of the grumpier types have asked why we can't just "throw it up on the Web," which makes many of us editors truly wish to throw something up on the Web.

So what's taking so long? Well, whenever someone talks for an hour or two, there are 20-40 pages of text that must be first transcribed, then read and edited, and finally, converted to formats appropriate for some kind of electronic media. And making the editorial changes required to take something from speech that is understood and followed by an audience hearing it, to something that can be read from a web site, is not trivial. In particular, although our transcriptionists did great work in transcribing our 40-plus panels and keynotes, it's very hard to transcribe material that's as cutting-edge and jargon-filled as what was said at JavaOne, and the results often prove, well, eye-opening, as we work into the night to finish the last batch of transcripts. The following is our list of all-time favorite editorial "catches," as we say in the trade:

"Hicks in tuxedos," instead of "CICS and Tuxedo," for all you database lovers out there. As in, "They used to use hicks in tuxedos, but now they use the JDBC." Must have been some upgrade.

"Virgin control," used consistently throughout one transcript in place of "version control." As in, "The JECF handles all of your virgin control problems through the JCM, so that you don't have the hassle." Too bad virgin control didn't make it into the last release; we could have sold millions, at virtually any price, especially to hicks in tuxedos.

"JDC, the one that won," for "JDK 1.1." Well, we think it's a winner, anyway.

"BM" for "VM." EVERYWHERE within the 30-page transcript. Oh, what a difference a letter makes. This substitution was particularly problematic in sentences that discussed "porting BMs," "changing BMs," "using BMs," "moving BMs," and worst of all, "releasing BMs."And if you don't "get" this one, don't write a letter to the editor; ask your parents.

"Lassie technology." (Here girl, go find that witless Timmy!) This one sure sent us back to the tapes. As in "Some compression and transmission algorithms cause a lot of data loss, and we call these Lassie technology."

And these are just the ones that were funny. To understand the full toll these transcripts have taken on the staff, consider that editors are an insecure lot, and live in terror that someday, somewhere, they will slip and either look stupid in print, or worse, let someone else, probably someone important, look stupid in print. Like the time that Vanity Fair had to issue a retraction after printing that William Bennet, former secretary of education and so-called moderate Republicans, had said of the conservative Republicans, that after the 1994 elections, "It's S&M." Vanity Fair had to apologize, adding that what Mr. Bennett had really said was, "It's us and them." That's why, after this latest round of JavaOne, we've bitten our nails off all the way up to our armpits. Especially on our boss' boss' bosses' keynotes.

But hey, we're not complaining. We were very pleased to be able to write off all that therapy as a business-related expense. And all the nice folks at Sun's distressed-employee-assistance hotline have been very helpful. We'll soon feel like new people again, what with the stronger medications and all!

But seriously, folks: